Season 1 Episode 7
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Have you ever experienced situations when your feelings towards someone you like started to fade? You were alright when you were with them and then gradually, that feelings started to fade away. I have been thinking what could be the reasons, and only realized the answers to it recently.
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For this episode, the poem accompanying this is “Fading It”, which was written in April 2016.
The feeling that fades
The climax of thoughts and emotions
Overwhelming at the first instance
Weeks of exploring
Months of carving
Neutralize to abstracts
The wonder of its authenticity
The truths of it all
This was when everything was not clear yet. I have no idea about the possibilities of anything except following the norms and what is practiced in society.
This was one of those life phases when I tried to deny situations and reasoning it with, “but I am not”.
Over the years, I used to go out for movie dates, dinner, lunch dates with guys. And those were like when I was in my 20s to early 30s. I was at the stage that I even invited them to meet my parents. I mean they were fine, and those are nice guys you know like I would categorise them as if you are interested in them and bring home to your parents, your parents will approve of your relationship with these kind of guys.
But I kind of regretted it and promised myself never to do it again. Because over the years, I realized that this is not what I really wanted.
When two of those guys talked about having a serious relationship and then marriage, and also another one started to talk about something serious, my replies were always like “hmmm but we don’t even know each other, yet”.
Clearly, they could tell me off by saying that, when we went out for over 1 to 2 years already, isn’t that knowing each other.
So, on the very last one, I remember telling myself to stop doing what I was doing and stop leading people on because this is not an experiment or things that could make me happy.
I realized one thing though is that I am not sure at that time why I don’t feel anything when I was with those guys. I don’t look forward to meeting them again. I don’t look forward to doing new things with them. There was one even one time then I don’t even know his full name even after we went out many times together. I mean I know this guy nearly a year. Why didn’t I even bother to ask?
I cannot even recognise his voice after we didn’t keep in touch when he called me one day using another name.
Of all, I only bother to cook for one of these guys something is because he made for me a very delicious layered cake. I was not really into those dry layered cake, but honestly, that is the most delicious layered cake I have ever tasted made by this guy. Not even a single layer cake in the market I have tried so far tasted so soft and moist like the one he made. He is so good in this is because his late mother used to sell that for a living.
Anyway, like I mentioned earlier, there was nothing not good about these guys. I realised that eventually I know why I always avoided their phone calls. In the first place, I was not interested in being with them.
Then I decided that, the best thing to do is not to lead any of them on. Remember when I said that I don’t look forward to chat on the phone, it was like to the extent that when we were both silent, I will have to ask if there is nothing to talk about, we should end the call, isn’t it? Which normally I don’t say that to friends when we are ending our calls.
So, I believed that throughout these experiences, I am more cautious when going out with guys. I think I decided that I have to stop doing this right after the guy who made the layer cake. Normally, I will tell myself if this is not for me, just let us not waste each other’s time to go out and spend time with each other.
Then automatically, I will distant myself from them and will go back to focusing back on other adventures in life.
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I was wondering that time why did I feel that way? From interested to not at all? And the reasons for me distancing myself is not because I was in love with them or want to be with them, I distant myself cos I don’t see any future with them.
When I was writing that poem, it was like still like a question I kept asking myself.
Just so you know, the timeline is overlapping to when I got attracted to those friends or acquaintances is because it was still an ongoing experiences and process. Like I kept questioning and every possibility I accompanied it with denying and “No I am not” sentence. The last time I went out with a guy for activities and dates, was around 13 years ago.
And the last time I went out with another guy friend, was around 10 to 11 years ago when at that time I just wanted to make sure of my inclinations. I got the answer though like at least 80%. But after that I still continued with my analysis phase.
From then, I understood why my interest towards those guys I went out with faded easily. While with those friends whom I have feelings for, never at one time faded. Gone yes, because of how straight they could be, but not fade.
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Alright babes, if you have anything that you would like to share on your experiences with women whom you were or are still attracted to, pls do send us an email. And if you don’t mind sharing to the listeners in our upcoming episodes, please do note it in the email. I would be happy to share with the others.
At the meantime, thank you for listening. And see you all soon.