WLW Women Love Women PODCAST is a lesbian podcast written and produced by The WLW Podcaster and Author of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, S.Sulianah

Season 2 Episode 2

podcast transcript

WLW Podcast is also featured in the Top 20 Lesbian Podcasts You Must Follow (#11) by feedspot.com 



This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations. 

Visit www.winterscribbler.com for collections of books, poetry and graphics by diverse talents of artists and writers. 

Hi Guys, welcome back!

For this episode I will discuss the common themes that we experienced whenever we meet with a woman who appeals to us in some way. It could be from their looks, the way they dressed, their hairstyles, their smiles, the way they speak to us with that calm confidence tone, or the way their eyes linger a bit longer than usual. Or when their presence made you flung out of space.


And when all these combined, it will make us shiver and lose the ability to speak like a normal person. Sometimes, or maybe most of the time our mind will travel to our own world that no one will ever go, when you are only 15 minutes into the conversation.

Like for instance, without yet knowing how this person who was just introduced to you is like, what is her name, we will be thinking about having coffee with this person again. It is not even the first time. Then, you will end up thinking about oh maybe what is her favourite dish, let me cook for her just to impress her when you have not been cooking for yourself, since the last ten years.


U-haul or staying together in less than 6 months after knowing each other is a common term use by us. When you end up in the stage of staying together, as a lesbian … supporter, I guess you should be grateful that you have reached that milestone. Because not everyone is lucky enough to be living in that stage with someone whom they are really interested in, and who has the same feelings.


All these lead to the letters I wrote to this person I was writing to in this book. In which, this all started in 2013 which is about 7 years ago. All the memories were not faded. Everything are still so clear in my mind. I could still recall that before that moment, we all had a few dinners together which was about 5 years before 2013, but it doesn’t really affect me that much. Yeah I was aware she was attractive and good looking, there is this masculinity in her too. But in 2013, when we met again with friends for dinner, I have no idea why there is this gut feeling, something different when I saw her this time. Which inspired me to write the following.  


In the beginning, I could feel myself engulfed with notes of worry and fear.


When I saw you again with all of our friends after years, my heart tried to tell me that you are the one who will fill this empty space. I could feel that when I looked into your eyes and when we hugged.


I was trying to warm myself by not looking into those

lingering beautiful eyes of yours, piercing through the walls that I have built over the years.

This kind of feelings is considered not unusual for me. I mean if you remember when I met the gorgeous girl from London in Delhi. And to my friend’s friend who opened the door for me. Also, with a few others. But for this story, it is like a short story that became longer than I had anticipated which is the one that worries me. All those fears started to surface. Because this one is something that is happening more constant than the others. It doesn’t subside.


The late night meetings, the late night hangouts in bars, holding hands, chatting about our personal life, her bringing me to meet her mum, her favourite aunt, and accompanying her and her kid to drum school, were all those I have never done before with any of my friends or so-called individuals I have crushed on. 


And the best thing or probably interesting for me is me letting myself did those with her when most of the time I will avoid those kinds of activities to go too far even with my friends. Normally, I will control my involvement and time commitment with people.


So, that gut feeling I had from the night we met, I let it be. I didn’t stop myself from going out with her whenever she asked me out. I will go back home late till 3 or 5am when I hangout with her at bars or listening to live music. And this only happened when I was with her. With other friends, there are curfews even though I was already about late 20s during that time.


I allowed myself to see her in a different angle which is not like with a friend.


Whenever she smiles, I don’t look at it as fake or by forced. Probably it is. But when you like someone, you will look at them in a different light or angle. She has this most genuine smile that will make your bad mood and worries disappear instantly especially with her dimples and cheekbones. And every time when I go out with her, I want to make sure that I look good in a different way not like whenever I went out with my other friends.  I have written all these experiences in the next letter to her in this book. It is very very detailed.


And I remember clearly that one night while we were texting after meeting each other, I did text her that I like you more than a friend. Remember this was like 7 years ago when I was not really sure about myself. And I also didn’t mean it that way. It is more like literally what it means but not as a woman falling in love with another woman in a romantic way. What I meant was, I like her more than how I like my other friends. Thinking back at it now, I feel like I already came out to her. Hahahah but I don’t think she gets it though. So basically, at that point I was in a confident mode, surprisingly.


I am going to share with you another letter from Letters of a Thousand Speeches which personally this is one of my favourite parts.



I know you could hold onto that fear. There is nothing frightening in the scene of the movie. Yet, you decided to scream at the end and hugged me.


The only moments I remember about this movie are how bland it was, the moment when our fingers held onto each other’s, and how I could not stop thinking about you when you were right beside me.

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations.

This scene was written five days after the dinner. We went out for a movie with another friend of ours. It was one of those movies I don’t understand the head and tail of the storyline. But I remember 1000% clearly it is not a thriller neither it is a horrifying movie. It was that movie in space, I am not interested to google it now and tell you what it is because I don’t enjoy that movie at all.


But yea, she did that. She just suddenly hugged me and screamed like as if something was scary. Not even caring about the friend who was with us who was sitting beside me. Actually, that time I wished that I could hold her hand in the dark but thinking back till today, that girl really gave me mixed signals since the beginning. So, I cannot blame myself regarding this. Now tell me why we lesbians are in this position always? And how can we not feel special when this is how we are always being treated?

The beginning of it all in my case was a repetition of 3 different phases of my moments with her. This is the first phase where it all started.


Just for your information for those who do not know me personally, I am the type of person who will not do anything or make any first step. Which means that if for instance I am interested in you if I see you across the lecture hall when, once my gut feeling got attracted to you, and only you, I will not do anything except smile or find reasons to say Hi to you. Like how I did with that one ex-classmate whom I met for my Masters in university. I did mentioned her in Season 1 if you remember clearly. I will make a move but within a certain limit. Like holding hands, brush your arms while we talk, but that is it.


So that is it. I will flirt yeah but I will never ask them out for coffee or anything like that. Actually, I am not sure why exactly. I was thinking whether it is about confidence or fear of rejection. But if I am not having self-confidence, I will not even talk to the person or flirt. I don’t feel like I lack anything that stopped me from asking them out. I feel like I guess in the back of my mind, I am probably not really wanting to commit or maybe I don’t see any future in proceeding what I want because most of them except this girl who I was interested were taken, like they have boyfriends or just got married. In fact, the only person I would like to tell so much about how I really feel is only her. That too, usually I never asked her out or I will not be the first person to text her.  

And when we go forward to year 2017 which we met again and hangout, my heart was already not 100% as was I was feeling in 2013. Because I have made up my mind during that time that she was the one who left and didn’t contact me anymore. So, why should I feel the same way again? And then again, it is not as straight as I had anticipated even though she came back in my life after she re-married and has a child.


This is when it inspired me to write one of my favourites in this book called Another Lie between Friends. I will share with you the first part of this poem. The merchandise for this poem is now available in my website at winterscribbler.com


When I say I miss you, what I mean is that I would like you by my side.


When I avoid looking into your eyes, it means I am worried that you will haunt my days and nights again.


When I told you those chocolates and fruit tarts were delicious, I did not mean it. I have tasted better ones.


I love to see how proud you are, pleased with your choices.


These are lies between friends.


When your knees kept hitting mine several times under the table, I could not understand what you needed.

Frankly, I do not want to know whether you did not like mine touching yours. I just wanted mine entangled with yours.


This is just another lie between friends.

This happened when I had already moved on after about 3 years of not knowing what happened to her. This was when she only added me in her friend’s list after she re-married. Until now, I still kept reminding myself whenever I feel like my heart is so attached to her.  Sometimes I feel like we have to find something to make sure that when we ended up drifting, we have something to hold on to. I don’t believe in what people say like what she says to me and another friend indirectly or directly that she is straight. I do not put too much thoughts in those kinds of words. Because we have seen so many stories that when people said something like that while we didn’t even ask, they could be trying to defend themselves or trying to deny it. It is like them trying to assure themselves not us. That is why I don’t put too much focus on what she said, or anyone says.


There are some things that happened in 2017 in which you have to read it in the book which are for me very significant for the entire storyline. Because this episode is about the beginning of it all that starts everything at different phases. I do not want to be swayed away from the main topic.


Then fast forward to 2019, after which we lose contact again and I don’t remember we meet anymore after the Universal Studio trip. I guess it was because I was moving on again by distracting myself with other women whom I met and also achieving my own personal goals in life. I was like busy with pursuing my Masters, travelling, and building my career.


In 2019 was when I feel like it was over the limit of our usual interaction. That night at the rooftop bar with two of our friends was the maximum that I feel like this is not anymore, the young adults trying to explore their feelings. It is more than that. As usual I don’t have the courage to start anything, so I was not the one who starts it all.



Why did you press your body into mine at the bar?

Why did you ask me to dance with you?

Why did you tell me to do whatever I want on the dance floor?

Why did you flash your beautiful brown eyes and that smile at me?

Those are my weaknesses whenever I am with you.

To purchase a copy of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, visit Amazon.com or www.winterscribbler.com


You can also contact us for any feedbacks and questions at winterscribbler @ gmail.com

If you would like to listen and watch a visualisation of a full written letter excerpt from this scene, please check it out at our YouTube channel, Winter Scribbler or go to winterscribbler.com for the links.


Meanwhile Guys, I would like to end this episode here. Thank you once again for listening. I hope this entertain you or maybe motivate you in some way when flirting with the woman you are attracted to.

For the live recording of this podcast, pls visit our YouTube channel Winter Scribbler. The link to the video and the episode transcript is available in our website. 


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I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

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Have you ever wondered
how a person can fill
every single page—
beautifying each breath
filled with words of longing,
pining for affection,
embossing the empty soul
by being this bold?

S.Sulianah - Letters of a Thousand Speeches