Season 2 Episode 3

podcast transcript

WLW Podcast is also featured in the Top 20 Lesbian Podcasts You Must Follow (#11) by feedspot.com 

INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 3

PHYSICALLY CLOSE

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Hi Everyone! Welcome back! This time I am trying to take the risk of talking about this certain part in this episode, which is about physical closeness, a much more further in depth descriptions. I have been contemplating whether to talk about this topic initially. But because it is kind of a big part of the storyline in this poem, for this time, I am taking another risk to talk about this.

 

I believed physical closeness is an important factor in any type of relationships or for this case whenever we are attracted to a person. By the way, in my podcast, I am not able to tell you what to do and what not to do when you are dating or flirting because I don’t think I am experienced or knowledgeable in that area to give professional suggestions.

 

You can actually surf in the internet. There are a lot of other YouTubers and Podcasters who are very good at this. In fact, I myself will look into their videos whenever I need more information.  You can check out some of my favourite Youtubers, Rose and Rosie, Alexis and Lillian, Cammie Scott, Amy Ordman and many others for anything related to WLW relationship.

POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES

I have never stood still staring at someone else like how I did yesterday with you. You were on your motorbike, riding in the lot, passing among the others, making your gorgeous self-known to everyone.

My heart stopped beating.

I could not stop smiling the whole time since you arrived.

Surprisingly, my brain and the blood pumping to my heart could still function the whole time my eyes were fixated on you.

You never stopped smiling after you got off from your bike with grace.

When you walked toward us, I had to stop holding my

breath to revive my whole being again.

That beautiful, dimpled smile of yours. You looked so

beautiful under the dim streetlight. Charming and stunning.

 

That smile could probably warm anyone from the cold winter.

To be physically attracted to someone is not unusual. But what about when something else in your body felt different. The first time I have felt this was during one of those nights we went out together. Holding hands, brushing fingers, standing so close were and are still common which I feel like I will do with friends who I am comfortable with but most of the times are with those I am interested in.

 

But with her, it was something else.

 

I remember that night clearly. And I could still remember how she would smile while she was on her yellow motorbike. That was the first time I couldn’t take my eyes off her. I didn’t even say hi to her when she approached me because I was enticed by her eyes looking at me. She didn’t even look at her friend who was standing beside me.

 

And then throughout that night, we sat so close together while we were entertained by the live music at Timbre.

 

This same feeling and moment occurred very often whenever I was with her. I will hold her hand whenever I had the chance to even though at times I will control myself in case it will be uncomfortable for her.

 

So, what I realized is that our physical touches usually happen naturally. We still continued the same even though once or twice, it seems like she did not like it when I am too close to her. So, when someone is not comfortable, you have to learn to distance yourself. Like learn to read the room and what are the responses by the person you are with. I feel like this is important to just make sure that we are not selfish and not making others feel uncomfortable around us.

 

I did speak to a friend about this like Harry and a few others who are straight. Harry told me that if this happened between him and a girl, it is very much clearer, and he wonders why it is so complicated for us. He meant it in a good way though because when he is with girls he went out for a date with, they showed signals and it meant what it is. I also took the opportunity to ask my friends who are women similar questions whether do they hold hands like that with their closest gal friends? Whether they behave the ways I explained to them. And their reply were normally like “No”. They are close in some way but they don’t hold hands like that. Actually, neither do I with my friends. The only ones I did hold hands very long like how I did with this girl I am talking about could be like 2 or 3. Not as often. Maybe like once in a blue moon when we are playing around or kidding around. So, yeah.

POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES

 

We left you behind. I heard you whispering, like pleading behind me.

I gave up my egotistical view of the possibilities of why you disappeared these past years. I turned to you, held your back and let you walk ahead instead.

 

My core throbs

Thinking of that moment.

This podcast episode is brought to you by Winter Scribbler Publishing. Where reality and imagination turn into delicate harmony of scripts and illustrations.

And only recently, whenever I imagined myself with her, I knew this is not only about me interested in her. I want her in many other ways.  It became more intense after that night in the rooftop. Okay, imagination is one thing which we all can be fantasizing, but when it happened in real life, that is another story. What do you have to do? How do you have to react? Should you play hard to get? Do you have to remind yourself what if she breaks your heart again? The impact of that one night makes a lot of difference on how I handle things. That is one way I learnt.

 

So, those physical touches, like what I had said is very significant in a relationship. But how about text messages that you sent to each other? Those texts not only about how are you, but also sharing photos of what both of you are eating, what you are cooking. It is not once in awhile, it is very often.

 

How about making you feel special, inviting only you to her home and cook for you, chatting until 1.30am, and finding reasons to meet? And those kinds of actions are those that can be confused between being attracted to romantically and whether these are just what friends do with each other.

So, what I would like to say here is that, these moments that happened could be as what it is. Like if you ever experienced the same thing, you will be wondering how to differentiate it and limit yourself from crossing the friendzone boundary.

 

But like I mentioned earlier, physical touches are more important that it affects how we feel towards the other person and vice versa. We cannot control another person on how they behave towards us, like if you are angry thinking that “Hey if you are straight, don’t make use of the weakest link to make me get attracted to you”. Or “Hey, if you are married or have a boyfriend, pls don’t act like that with me”. What I can say here is it is not easy to tell that to people. One for sure we have no idea what they are thinking or feeling. Second, maybe for them the physical touches are just what friends do or affection towards friends in which this is kind of normal sometimes. Thirdly, since we cannot control others, we have to learn to control ourselves especially the part to stand back up again once you fall.

 

Don’t ever let yourself think that you are not worth it. If that someone says to you, “No I don’t feel the same way” or “I am actually tensed when I am with you.”

 

Oh wait, just a few days ago I just realized something. Someone did say that to me before and I wonder why? Cos I am known as the most calmest person. My friends always told me that. Even if I have presentation in class or even when have my first sales meeting with a minister from Indonesia, I was so cool. I managed to handle my nerves discreetly. Then I realized something after binge watching tiktok videos and Blackpink video diaries. Suddenly this thing came into my mind. Ah if someone is tensed when they are with you, could it be butterfly in the stomach? Like how I always do when I have a date with the girl I like, or a lunch appointment with my best friend whom I am interested in.

 

So… this is how you manage and pull yourself back up OK. I mean, I am not sure about my analysis whether it is correct, but with that kind of answers at least it will brighten your day.

 

You know, normally heartbreak is difficult, ok. But remember there are so many other interesting things to do in this world than just that. There are other beautiful, smarter, more breath-taking women out there who could be that one person. If that girl you like has no interest in you and don’t value you, remember that valuing yourself is more important. Not only now. But for the next 1 or 2 months, a year later, three years later and so on.

 

But of course, there is a limit though. Once they started to kiss you, specifically on the lips, or do other things with you that you don’t do with your friends, and then ended up saying that they actually don’t feel the same way, then all these conditions does not apply anymore. Then we have to talk about this in a different perspective. I mean emotionally you deserved to be furious about that. Other than that, I would suggest like a friend, you manage this wisely.

I have so many questions before I wrote the ending of this book. Questions to myself whether I am imagining things. Whether I had overanalysed and therefore misinterpreting everything just because I like her differently. I have even looked it up in internet to find out about the answers. One was a video by Alexis and Lillian and another is an article that it is common for people to overanalysed when they like someone although actually it might not mean anything on the perspective of the other person.

 

So, Alexis and Lillian’s video struck me more because it was the exact scenario I had with her. That night at the rooftop bar. When a friend you like, is drunk and do all those things to you, it doesn’t mean they are interested in you. Yeah very disappointing. When they are straight, they are straight. It does not mean they are not straight even though their actions looked like they aren’t. Those are the advice that were hard for me to accept but I did keep it in my mind over the period. I shared this video to Harry and he was shocked too that the scenes were so accurate.

 

Sometimes the hardest thing to decide especially is when there is that hidden desire that you know you do not mind if it is with her. When you realized that you started to look at her in a way that she is not just a friend.

 

Then you started to imagine how her hair would feel like twirled on your fingers. You want to know what her eyes colours are. You want her to hold your hand tight when you are in the train ignoring any glances and perceptions. You will be asking yourself why you want to know why her lips is now fresh pink compared to seven years ago. You hated it when she sent to you pictures but on the other hand you want her to stop sending you pictures of her posing with her coffee cup which she always placed on her long slender bare legs. And then, you want to know why she always appear in your dreams.

 

Sometimes, the answers to these questions are right in front of us. How we interpreted it would be actually up to us.

I would like to end this episode with this letter in Letters of a Thousand Speeches.

POEM/EXCERPT FROM LETTERS OF A THOUSAND SPEECHES

I miss you. That is the only thing that came to my mind in the past few days.

 

For the first time ever, I could not hold hands with this friend of mine whom you had asked for my address. Both of us are usually physically close. Holding hands comes naturally when we are together. It does not matter whether she is with her partner or not. But yesterday, I could not. We held hands, but I felt like mine could only do so for a few seconds. There is this energy that is repelling us. I could feel she noticed it too.

I gave it another chance at another moment, but the same thing happened. I had to let it go.

Is it because of you? Truly, this has never happened before.

 

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Meanwhile Guys, I would like to end this episode here. Thank you once again for listening. Continue exploring and never give up in anything you are doing.

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I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

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Have you ever wondered
how a person can fill
every single page—
beautifying each breath
filled with words of longing,
pining for affection,
embossing the empty soul
by being this bold?

S.Sulianah - Letters of a Thousand Speeches

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