Season 2 Episode 7
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INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 7
PHASES WHEN MOVIN' ON
Moving on from someone we have feelings for and seems important to us is always a challenging a process. It could take months to years. Whatever the reason will be, when it is time, we have to be courageous to make that decision and make the first step to move out from the past.
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Hi ladies. Welcome back.
I am sure you guys out there are more experienced than I do in terms of handling love stories, romantic relationship with women, accidentally falling in love with your best friend, break ups and those similar to whatever I have been experiencing.
But I really need to say that I feel like I did go through phases when I was handling this the first time. Actually, after writing the final letter telling her how I feel, my main reason is to just express it out. I didn’t even think about any response except for like leaving me alone and give me that 6 months break that I needed. But I know at the back of my mind that after that 6 months, it will never be the same again. Once I wrote that letter it was like a relieved. Like 100% burden became 0%. When she got that letter, she didn’t understand it at first that is what she told me until I have to explain it to her. So, basically I had to explain 3 times because the second time I explained she didn’t understand.
So, the subsequent thing that happened was she wanted to leave this group of ours and she said that in the future she will make sure that she will choose the correct friends something like that. Alright guys remember earlier I told you I didn’t feel anything. But when she said this, I did feel something. I was like thinking so you are categorizing me as those friends who are no longer in your life because they don’t like you or you don’t like them? I feel like who am I to you? I was like I didn’t hate you, it was the opposite. Then also she said something like this upcoming dinner will be her last time she will hang out with us and we should just continue with each other without her like we used to. At first I replied, what if I come for this dinner. Will u stay? And she said yes probably. But guess what happened? I did not show up. You guys will hate me when I said this, but I think by not showing up was the best solution during that time.
Firstly, the day before the dinner I came across a phrase by a speaker on relationships. He said that if someone has said something like, if you do this, then I will do this in relationships doesn’t matter friends or partners, this is considered not a healthy relationship. It is considered like blackmailing. I was looking for a final decision actually to make for that day and I found it. Apart from that also, I did ask a friend’s opinion too and he supported my decision.
These phase which I went through was like from my perspective. I am sure she has her own and I respected that whatever it is. Frankly, she is one of the most wonderful people I know whom I am glad I met her and I don’t regret feeling like this towards her.
Okay wait we are talking about the phases right.
And so the next phase that I went through was ignoring text messages and calls from that group of friends we are with. I am not sure whether she told them but she did say she might because she cannot keep lying to them. So, I told her “Well, up to you.” I cannot stop her from doing so. Let me be clear, if she tells them means it is the same like I am already out of the closet with them so you get it. But I don’t really want to delve into that.
Then during December to January, my mind will sometimes travel to thoughts that reminded me of the times we were together but in the bad way. Like what are her bad characters, her unpleasant personality, how I felt she used me in some way, how she shouldn’t even try to contact with me after 3 yrs of disappearing from my life, how she only added me in Instagram after she get married, how she left 6 years ago and not tell me that she is leaving (even though sometimes I did the same with my other friends like is a normal thing and my friends did that to me too but I don’t care). All these unpleasant characters and situations will be flashing in my mind but eventually what I did was I will shut it off.
Then there are always these thoughts of being with her like I always think of. So normally I will imagine some stuffs with her but in this recovering phase I have to replaced it with someone else. And every time she appeared in my dreams, I will cut it out with other figures.
This phase is like putting in 1000% effort to forget 10,000%.
But sometimes I will let my mind chill and let my heart feel what it wanted. Because why controlled it right. Especially when recently I listened to Cardigan by Taylor Swift, Driver’s License by Olivia Rodrigo, Sofia by Clairo and the song Surrender by Natalie Taylor. The lyrics just fit into my story at the moment so I will let myself feel whatever it wants. This is basically the few phases.
Sometimes, throughout this process, I will keep telling myself that I was the one who wanted to take the risk to be as close to her. So, I should not regret any of my decisions.
Then the next phase would be, I will ask her, more like visualizing like as if she is right in front of me. I was telling her like, if you did not approach me like how you did at the rooftop bar, I will not be in this position. I was fine that time and I roughly knew that you are not interested especially when you kept talking about how you are still in love with your ex-boyfriend and that you are straight. I was alright like 6 years ago but when what you did with me that night, it makes something and everything different.
Then I will ask her again, so all those attentions and you being so physically close to me every time we are together, what are those gestures, what does it mean? Is that how you behave with your friends? Do you hold your friend’s hand like that? Did you flush your body with your friends like that? Is it common to pull your friend towards the back of your body like that? Right, okay maybe not about the food that you made for me only like the fried rice paste etc. I mean those are subjective like how friends do to their friends, maybe for you. I don’t know. Maybe you did. Because I don’t but anyway it doesn’t matter anymore because whether it is small or just a slight touch, it doesn’t mean anything to you anymore. So, basically this is like a visualization when I don’t have the chance or I don’t want to speak to her directly.
Guys, remember I mentioned also about jealousy. How I felt jealous when she is proud to take photo with one of our friends than with me. Or how she don’t mind to be associated with her in photographs than with me. Or how she seems like she don’t mind if that friend of ours flushed her body towards her when they were taking photo. Yeah, those jealousy sometimes did flash in my mind just as an excuse for me to tell myself that I have made the right decision to leave.
In total, this is the second month of the phase to forget her 10,000%. I know this time will work out better than how I did years ago. Because I know there is no coming back.
And my last phase was to write these into poems and finally this book Letters of a Thousand Speeches. This is somewhat like I am not courageous enough to tell her in person, but I don’t mind telling the whole world. (Laugh)
I have treasured her differently than my normal friends that is what is very obvious. I mean as I said she is that wonderful person but she is actually a strong person too. I wrote the poem Perfect Everything which is inspired by when I was interacting with her. I have always respected her because she respects me. I don’t remember her raising her voice to me, said mean things towards me or about me directly. She used bad words but not to me except when explaining some things about other people. She is actually a very good listener which is difficult to find in friends and I will always feel comfortable telling her things that I never tell others.
I mean apart from that she is also gorgeous, stunning, tall, slender, and every time whenever we are together, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Sometimes I tried to look away, but my hindsight will always check her out. She has this beautiful smile that is genuine. Not forced. Like every time she smiles at me, I find it beautiful especially with that dimples that she used to let me touch it. And she is also a great cook, clean, and hardworking. The only thing I cannot stand about her is when she gets angry with someone or when she will distanced herself like as if she is avoiding you.
Anyway, guys I think I should end this episode here. I will see whether I will continue talking about this in the next episode or we will talk about other matters. Remember, I am not here to advise you on relationship with women. I am not the right person to do that. You guys probably have more experiences than I do. Here, I am just sharing the poems I wrote about and how it came about. Also, on anything that could relate to the struggles when I ended up falling in love or interested in the women in my life connecting it to the creative writings we see in song lyrics, poems and characters in TV and movies.
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TRAILER - Letters of a Thousand Speeches by S.Sulianah