WLW Women Love Women PODCAST is a lesbian podcast written and produced by The WLW Podcaster and Author of Letters of a Thousand Speeches, S.Sulianah

Season 2 Episode 8

podcast transcript

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INTRODUCTION TO SEASON 2 - EPISODE 8

JEALOUSY

The feelings of jealousy can be detrimental in a relationship. They say that that is a sign of love. But most importantly, to what extent? And how do we manage this feeling wisely without affecting our self-esteem?

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Hi Everyone. Welcome back to WLW Podcast Episode 8. This episode I would like to talk a bit more about jealousy. This feeling that I noticed keep appearing now and then but let us focused mainly on relationships with the friends or women that we are interested in.

 

I decided to talk about this because of how it affects decision-making. Like how it affects my decisions for the past 20++ years when I was with those friends I was into. We have heard that jealousy is not a positive feeling in which we all should avoid in relationship especially if it is baseless, too extreme and not justifiable.

 

I only noticed about this when I read through my past posts in my diary since 2007. And while I was reading those, I drew a mind map summarizing what happened throughout the timeline. To see what was going on and then what I realized is that there is this sense of jealousy that kept appearing when I was with those friends I was interested in.

Firstly, is at a certain stage, when the situation gets much deeper in terms of unable to understand what is that friendship is all about and wondering whether she feels the same way. This is when the next stage will appear that is instead of asking, we keep quiet about it. In which most of us would agree that asking is a tad too much especially if you have no idea about yourself. Personally, I have never asked. Only recently but that too was also not really asking.

 

Secondly, this person seems to pay more attention to your friend. This is based on observation. I am not sure if it is about insecurity, but for me I don’t feel like I want to categorize that as insecurity because I really don’t think about “Oh the other person is better than me so maybe she pays attention to her more” or similar to that. In fact, I am the type who actually don’t mind if people don’t pay much attention to me, so I can be by myself. But what if you noticed that this could be the case. I have read some similar stories in social media but I am unable to talk about what they really think of this situation. As long as it is not because you look down on yourself, I feel like it is still going well. Because whatever it is, it still comes back to our personal self. For me the questionings in my mind are basically more like “Hey, am I the only one feeling this way?” or “I don’t think you feel the same way like I do.” Or “Oh wow, so basically you are alright taking photos with her and posting it in your account but not when with me. But then, whenever you hangout with me, you act like as if we are more than just friends.”

 

Thirdly, when that kind of feelings happened, what do you do? For me, I would respond to it by attaching myself with other friends and show it off to her making it look like this time I will make you jealous. Frankly, when I did it intentionally it doesn’t really work. But if someone else came to me so close and chat with me, or when I mentioned it in social media status, then I see there will be differences. For instance, a few years ago nearly 10 years ago with someone whom I was interested in. The interest level towards this friend was at level 7 to 8 out of 10, just so you can imagine. I just came out with this level of intensity just so it is easier for me to tell this story. So, a classmate of ours, who is a she, came to me and stood so close chatting outside one of the shops at a shopping centre while the other classmates of ours were inside the shop. This classmate of mine were asking me about something but she was really standing so close to me. There was not much space in between us, maybe like half feet. Then, I could see from a glance, I saw this friend of mine. She was actually walking towards an aisle but when she saw us, she changed her mind and she came towards us. And this classmate of mine by reflex distanced herself away from me. Basically, I got this friend’s attention without planning. And it works.

 

This method, I have done this quite a number of times actually. Frankly, I kind of enjoy it. But it is like a temporary pleasure for me which also doesn’t mean that I understood the responses correctly. I could be over analysing. I mean I will do it again as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone. Because sometimes it is not easy to ask someone and when they are panic they couldn’t tell the truth. Like I will do the same too, you see. You can use someone in a way like how I did provided that the someone whom you are using has no feelings towards you. Because imagine if she or he did and you don’t, it will be hurtful to her isn’t it?

Okay the fourth part I would like to highlight here is also to see the cause of this jealousy. Is it really coming from within you that you are not confident about yourself? Or something else like avoidance? Or an excuse for you?

 

Because sometimes it can be because of other reasons like I had explored and identified. As I mentioned, I am confident about myself in many ways. As for this story in Letters of a Thousand Speeches, I mentioned 2 people in 2 phases of this story. Firstly, I don’t feel like they are better than me in any way. I mean they are who they are, their success and background doesn’t affect me at all because I am very appreciative and grateful of who and where I am right now. Throughout those moments, I didn’t even compare myself to them in terms of that way. But but but, I realized something else why I have this jealousy stage in this recent story. Actually, it has been the same thing as 10 to 13 years ago with those friends I was into.

 

What I realized is that, I was finding the reason to feel this. I guess I was looking for it. It is like a distraction for me just so that I can step out of that feeling or step out of that relationship. It is consistent and a pattern it seems like to me. Alright don’t tell me that “Hey, then it is your fault.” Well, what do you expect me to do? Stay and live with that forever and not move on? When you fall for your friends who are already taken or with somebody else, what is the best option? The gentleman option is to leave right? So then, how to leave? Just leave like that without reasons? No, right? So, you have to find reasons to do what you need to do, isn’t it? Eh ok, these are my reasons. So, what is yours?

So far, I hope that you guys who is overcoming situations similar to this, are able to cope and solve it. Or at least manage it. For me as long as you are not bringing yourself down, and not harming yourself, it will be a good step to pursue. And if you are brave enough to tell the person, yeah go ahead. You do what you need to do. Everyone of us has a different personality and definitely the way we handle and solve obstacles are not the same.

 

We have a different type of friends, different kind of environment and different personality and experiences. But whatever it is, I kept repeating that if someone is not interested in you and you know that, remember, that you are worthy of who you are. Your value is more than just that love relationship you have with her or him. There are so many other things to do in life than this relationship or this feeling.

 

However, if she likes you back, please value the relationship and remember to also value yourself too. Never ever let someone ruled your life or disrespect you in any way. Remember to calm down when it ticks your temper. If you need space from her or your friends, give yourself that space because it will mean a lot to you in the long run.

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At the meantime, I will see you in the next episode. Take good care of yourself. Bye.

 

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